On the tube

The Olympics start with a bang. Or a few of them, actually.

The Olympics start with a bang. Or a few of them, actually.

OK, I’ll admit it.

I’m an Olympics dork.

I watch everything. Well, almost everything. Trap shooting just wasn’t that interesting.

Here are some highs and lows from a weekend spent watching way too much TV.

Highs

1. Swimming – I’ve got to tell you, swimming in HD is awesome. I’ve really enjoyed some of the relays, including last night’s thrilling 4×100 relay.

The French claimed that they were going to “smash” us in that race, only to fold up like a crepe in the final few meters.

Really, have the French smashed anything since Napoleon? Take that, cake eaters.

2. Gymnastics – If gymnasts are required to be 16, China’s cheating.

There’s no freaking way those girls are all 16. Either that, or I’m really getting old.

I don’t really understand the scoring either – how can you fall and still get a good score? – but it always makes for compelling drama.

3. Basketball – I still think we could be in for a fight in terms of winning the gold, but the U.S. sure put on a show against China.

Their fans were cheering us as Kobe, LeBron and company turned the game into an “And-1” showcase.

They’re half-men, half-amazing…

4. The Opening Ceremonies – OK, it sucked that they were on tape delay.

In fact, can we just decree that all future Games have to be held within a three-hour time difference from where ever I happen to be? 12 hours is a really long time.

But you’ve got to hand it to the Chinese. That was some cool stuff. I really liked the little girls flying around and the costumes that lit up.

And I’m a mark for the Water Cube. Hands down, coolest building ever.

5. NBC coverage – Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Having channels set aside for basketball and soccer is great. Showing events, either live or on tape, 24-7 is awesome. And putting those god-awful profiles on a separate channel – and away from my eyes – makes me want to send a floral arrangement to 30 Rock.

Lows

1. Dressage – The IOC is ditching baseball and softball after these games (hopefully to return in 2016), and that’s fine.

But why in the blue hell is dressage an Olympic event?

And, if it is, why would anyone ever point a TV camera at it? Watching a horse walk? I’d rather move to France.

Scratch that. Bring on the trot…

2. Fencing – I’m glad our girls swept the medals, but watching that was not entertaining. And if you watched the finals, you learned that the eventual gold medal winner, Mariel Zagunis, is the Maria Sharapova of fencing – screaming after every shot.

This could be a cool sport, though. We just need to use real swords, so we can get a little blood.

If that’s too over the top for you, we could use paint packs. Just something to let me know who’s winning…

3. Rowing – Why did we bother sending anyone to these events? Other than our women’s eight team, which won a heat, our boaters are getting thrashed.

Every race I’ve seen, and regrettably it’s been too many, had us getting trounced by places that don’t have nearly as much water as we do.

And if we can’t win, I start getting bored.

4. Soccer – I thought the women laying an egg against Norway was bad until Sunday morning, when our men’s team played awful for 20 minutes, fell behind 1-0 and rallied for two second-half goals to grab a lead only to see it undone by a stupid foul and a blistering free kick in a 2-2 draw with the Netherlands.

We played a great match, but didn’t close the deal. And now we face Nigeria needing a draw without Freddy Adu and Michael Bradley, who will miss out because of dumb yellow cards.

It’s really hard to like soccer in this country. But at least I’m not French.

5. Beach volleyball – Nothing against the sport. In fact, I actually like it.

But just because you can wear a Speedo doesn’t mean you should.

Want to keep up with the Games, check out www.nbcolympics.com.

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